I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
This toilet bowl is my home.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
