I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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