i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
