So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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