Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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