his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
