so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
