Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
