I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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