This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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