my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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