He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
