I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I puked a lego.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
