Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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