I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
