Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I need a beard to bite.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
