to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Randomize
