shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
