Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
