Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Randomize
