apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Randomize
