I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
