grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
