She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
