you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
