chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
