let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I met the friendliest cop last night
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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