also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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