He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
