In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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