just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
