He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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