recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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