youre lurking in front of me
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
