I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
