Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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