My sheets look like a crime scene.
Please, let me fuck your mom
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
