The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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