I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
