I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
