We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
