I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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