FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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