you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
