Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
