there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
