My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i wish my penis had a tongue
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
