i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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