guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
