So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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