you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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